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Yesterday my infusion was ROUGH.  The extra time I spent in bed/bathroom/head over a bucket, gave me some time to think.  Mostly I thought about how I could weasel my way out of feeling so horrible, but I also thought a little bit about the term disabled.  I was recently approved for disability through SSDI.  Don't get me wrong I am super thankful about this approval, but with it carries this stigma that I am now a drain on all the other healthy tax paying americans in the country.  Just as an aside....I also paid taxes (maybe not very much) but still and I contributed to the Social Security pot.  I understand I did not contribute near enough to keep me in disability checks for my whole life, but if you think telling me you are so glad to see your tax dollars at work for someone you know...could you skip it?!?

I also spent time thinking about all the ways I am perfectly able that cannot be measured with money.  I am still able to do a mean french braid (or two) for The Bug in the mornings.  I can still give her a cuddle if she has a nightmare.  I can still write on the blog.  I can still pin a trillion ideas on pinterest...(But NOW I have the time to actually make some of the things I pin.  The list goes on and on.  I also recorded a new YouTube video today.  This one is short...so if you feel up to it...this is your tax dollars at work!   :)
To the moon and back,
Sarah

another big life changing event

Alrighty friends....I know I haven't posted in a while.  There have been so many things happening that I was just too overwhelmed to post.  I'm still not quite sure how to put it all into words.  I figure you guys have put up with my stuttered out writing so this shouldn't be that different.


Change #1 New treatment - I started Avastin like a month and a half ago.  My first treatment came back with an enormous drop in my CA-125.  Every person around me was crying/jumping up and down/shouting prayers from the mountains.  I got the number...I heard it...I knew it was a HUGE drop...but all I could think was...I have been here before (twice).  I have seen this number or a number close to it twice.  I used to go over the moon with big drops.  Now I am reserved...I am worried to be let down so I don't allow myself to be too happy.  I relax a little and I think less about the cells in my body that might kill me one day...but I can't make myself go all the way to relieved.  Then the second treatment I dropped 103 points.  Still a drop but no where near the last drop.  I go back next week and I am a little worried...where do I go from 100 points...will it not move at all.  Sorry to be soooo Eeyore about this...I try but I am not very successful pulling out a Tigger attitude about all this.

Change # 2 The Bug's Graduation/Move to a brand new school - Her school has been OUR home for the last four years.  Now it is over.  She is finished and being released into the regular school world.  Bigger classes, fewer modifications, new teachers, everything makes me tense.  The Bug is great.  She is welcoming the chance to remake herself in a new school.  Find new friends...try new things...grow up even more.  I am impressed with her everyday.  She is so flexible in large life changes.  She is almost fluid with the big changes.  I think her formative years were spent in flux...so for her change is the norm.  For me my formative years were entirely stable so change scares me.  We created a family within our school building.  It housed my job and her class in the same building.  I was there to help if she forgot something.  Ex: Mooooom I forgot my lunch.  It's alright babe you can have mine.  I loved that I was able to be there for her.  Once again I think she is ready to try life without the mom safety net.  Miss Independent and her shaky, nervous mom.

pic with mommy 

perfect picture...looks like letting go!

Change #3 Moving into the Populous of the Unemployed - On May 31st I finished my time with KinderFrogs.  This might be the hardest...biggest..scariest change for me.  I know I have my health insurance for 29 months...but I may not have any money coming in at all.  My parents have both said they are here for that purpose...they are here to help.  I am so not ready to accept that type of help.  I want to contribute something.  I spent last week driving all over picking up medical records.  I had to visit the hospital where they told me I had cancer.  I had to visit the hospital where they removed lots of my insides and lots of cancer.  Those were hard they took me back to two years ago when I was just beginning this fight.  Now I am two years down the road...losing the job that helped me define my worth...facing Medicaid for my child if COBRA gets too expensive.  Hoping and praying that the interview I had for disability went well and Austin will approve my application for disability.  I mean come on guys I have cancer...neuropathy...and new treatments every few months...give a girl a break.

So I think those three changes warrant a bit of a break.  Now it is in writing and it seems a little less overwhelming.  Losing the opportunity to teach is the hardest loss.  There it is friends.
Still Love you guys to the moon and back!
Sarah