Guess What...

I went to the doctor today and had my second Avastin treatment.  Yesterday I went in for my blood work,  and I couldn't help the heaviness of my heart.  I go every time and for the last 9 months I've gotten nothing but bad news.  They use me CA-125 to determine the course my cancer is taking and for what seems like forever my cancer was headed for a hostile takeover of my body. Three weeks ago I got the highest score I had received since I had surgery...3375.  3375...it felt like a slap in the face.  I did it anyway...I took the treatment...I felt crummy...I went back three weeks later expecting another slap.  


It didn't come...I got a phone call yesterday...my number is 1713...that's right, damn near half my previous number.   I tried to be happy.  I tried to let go of all the bad  feelings.  I tried to dig up my positivity...but I didn't find it until today.  Today my doctor walked in and told me this was usually a stabilizing med...not a reduction med.  She was amazed by my number...she sounded hopeful for the first time in several visits. She admitted that we might have jumped the gun following a pain management track.  That made me feel like we might not have reached the end of the road yet.  My doctor was back on my side...I'm sure she never left, but I could feel her hope returning.  Somehow that brought me back.  It allowed me to hope that I can reclaim some sort of my life.  So that's really all I had to say.


To the Moon and Back my friends
Sarah


With new hope I feel it is only proper to have rainbows!

I want to be this for halloween

a few more inches and this will be my hair...maybe

ummmm...who doesn't need a pom pom bra?!?

Thankfulness...Day 123

Let me start by saying I am not a person who believes I am better than anyone else or thinks that I deserve different treatment based on who I know.  With that being said today I am very thankful that my parents know people who are willing to ask for special treatment.  I made an appointment at MD Anderson for February the 7th...I knew that I would have to delay any type of treatment until I had this appointment.  The fact that my appointment is almost a month away placed a knot of worry solidly in my belly.  Since my diagnosis I have not gone more than three weeks without having chemo...and that was when they were infusing the big drugs.  Now here I sit with no toxic materials coursing through my veins and instead of feeling blessed and at ease for the break...I am tense and extraordinarily worried.  So my Dad has contacts...he had some strings he could pull and pull them he did.  Yesterday I had a name and a telephone number for a board member at MD Anderson.  I called today and she called on my behalf.  SO far I still have the same appointment date, but at least the wheels are squeaking in my favor.  I need all the good juju I can muster sent to the powers that be in Houston.  It would alleviate lots of worry for lots of people if they could find a spot for me before the 7th.  No matter what I have done all I can do to find the best treatment option...find the newest way to seek and destroy all the nasty cancer cells in my body.  That's all I wanted to say...even though I don't like asking for special treatment...I am elated that there are people who love me and have no qualms asking if there is any way I can go first!
love you guys to the moon and back!
Sarah

Thankfulness...Day 86

Hello all,
Well I had my procedure on Wednesday, and I spent most of yesterday dozing on and off.  I did leave the house once to meet with an AFLAC representative about short term disability eligibility.  They have one program that would work for me, but I won't be eligible until January 2013.  Hopefully I will be in good health by then and I won't need the benefit, but I enrolled anyway, because you never know.  
I am thankful that my doctor found some microscopic cancer cells during my surgery.  It feels weird to be GLAD that she found cancer, but now I have something to fight.  Instead of waiting around and continuing a treatment that isn't really working...I get to switch up my treatment options and go back to killing the lame cancer cells.  I meet with my doc on Tuesday, so I will have more info then,  For now I am thankful to be back on an active road, and I am also thankful to have pain meds to help me stay comfortable.  Well...it is time for another nap...
to the moon and back
Sarah


quote of the day

thankfulness...Day 64

today I am thankful for perspective.


Robin wanted to watch the movie "Soul Surfer" so that's what we are doing.  This girl lost her arm to a shark and it caused a huge shift in her life.  I am finding that no matter what causes the loss, the grief and doubt is very similar.  I think I have spent alot of the last few months wondering what the possible plan could be for me.  There are so many things that I had to give up...my ovaries...my appendix...a piece of my colon...my ability to have a ponytail...my classroom...but finally I can see some of the things I have been given.  An opportunity to work with a great teacher and great friend....a closer healthier relationship with my daughter...a rockin' short do...life free from the worry of accidental pregnancy.  I'm not to the acceptance part of the grief process yet...but I can see something positive in all the mess.  I still ask God questions...lots and lots of questions.  I talk more to God in general these days.   No answers...so far...but I'm always looking and listening for something.  


People ask sometimes why I don't go to an ovarian cancer support group.  One reason is that the average age for this type of cancer is around 65.  I can't really see me sitting up in the middle of a quilting bee conversing about what makes chemo difficult for me.  That sounds so awful...but I'm also afraid of what I might hear.  I look to the internet for info sometimes and am terrified by the stories I find.  I don't want to open myself up on a weekly basis for a new set of terrifying stories.  My aunt suggested that I look into al-anon.  That could be another group of people with the unique loss skill set to help me understand the larger picture.  I think the key isn't having the exact same type of loss...it is just having a loss in general and the ability to empathize with the people around you.  I think I might be finding a way through all this.  I'll keep you posted! 


Quote of the day...from the movie "Soul Surfer"
"I wouldn't change what happened to me, because without it I wouldn't have this chance.  This chance with all of you...to embrace more people than I ever could have when I had two arms."
Hugs! 

thankfulness...Day 59

TGIF!  I have spent most of today snoozing with my puppy in bed.  Chemo still makes my stomach go all wrong and my legs feel a little jelly like.  I am still basking in the glory that is an end date to these feelings...hopefully for a very long time.  My CA-125 went up, but I still have my docs words "No matter what your CA says we will stop in April.  Her thoughts are,   I am young, I have a young child, I have a job that makes a difference in other peoples lives, and I'm not ready to leave yet.  She says this is the best way to keep me around for as long as possible.  With the degree of cancer they found in my original surgery...I did not think she knew what to expect from me.  After April the true waiting game begins.  Up until then every month I have had a blood check and a status check on the CA-125.  Once I go into follow up mode the monthly fade back to every three months.  If after 2 years of every three months I do not have a recurrence...chances are better that when it does come back it will still respond to the chemo drugs.  So for now I am looking only a little way into the future.  The part of my future that for some period of time will NOT include chemo! WHOOT WHOOT!  I love all the women who surround me with love and hilarious menopause jokes.  Without you ladies this whole mess of chemo crap would have been really hard to take.