Warming the Heart - Journal Your Christmas

It is time to take a minute and think about the spirit of this season.  How many times has something happened this season that caused my heart to grow a few sizes?  It would be so easy for my heart to shrink to the size of the Grinch's.  If i focus to long and too hard on my cancer or chemo path it is easy...so easy to lose sight of all the other good working in my life.  So this is the post I will devote to looking for the good.  Finding the ways christmas spirit has worked its way into my days.

• I am having trouble with my back and my breathing so I use a wheelchair to get around on longer outings.  My mom and I were trying to get into Dillards...the store has double doors with no automation for the handicapped.  Each time (on the way in and on the way out) somebody was nice enough to hold the door for us.  
• Usually the family spend time closed up in our rooms doing whatever we want.  This month we had some time together.  It might have been a simple chinese dinner spent together at the kitchen table...or an episode of something we all like to watch.  Whatever it was we were together enjoying each others company!
• An afternoon spent with my aunt decorating my house for the season.  She didn't have to help, but she did.  Sometimes I have a hard time motivating myself, and she took time to motivate me into making my house happy.
• My dad also spent his afternoon decorating.  He put my aluminum tree together and hung all my 12 days of christmas ornaments on it.  He helped wrap my big tree with a strand of colored lights and the garland that I love. I'm not sure what I would have done without my two little elves.  Actually I do know and I makes me a little sad...I would have hung the stockings and maybe decorated the tree.  I don't have to be sad...because my dad knows what this holiday means to me and he would never let it go undecorated!
• I get to live with my parents...feels weird to type that.   People are usually happy to get away from their parents...that sounds really harsh...I was happy to be independent and create my own home.   Then I got sick...I needed help...my parents moved into my home...they left everything behind...my dad added a 2 and a half hour drive to work...when he could get to work in about 15 minutes...my mom gave up a job she loved...no second thoughts...no bitter feelings.  If I do express any guilt about them leaving these things behind...they simply say...we are family...that's what family does.
• My puppy warms my heart daily...but today she was a little bit underfoot for the decorating process.  The highlight for me was when she found my felted ball garland.  To her it just looked like lots of little balls ripe for the taking...and take she did.  Shortly after the taking came the dropping and then the rasping so that she could get the felt fibers out of her mouth.  She finally settled on a large helping of water to wash them down.  Maybe in a few days she will make a colorful present in the back yard!  

So I have lots of things to keep my heart warm all the way to January!  What has been warming your heart this month?

to the moon and back,
Sarah

My Merry Mentor - Journal Your Christmas 2012

I did not have to look far to find my mentor.  She is hands down the fullest of Christmas cheer.  She rejoices in decorating each room of her house...starting the day after Thanksgiving.  She lovingly places all 96 nativity sets in their specific place (she probably as more sets now...but that was the last count)...changes out linens...and finally places the tree under the Christmas Sombrero that acts as a place holder for her amazing tree throughout the non holiday days.  
I come from a family that loves Christmas and had the obligatory lights around the roof...tree decorated and in the window.  We had other decorations around the house, but it was still our house dressed up for the holidays.  It was great and considering the fact that my mom had to do it all on her own without much help once my brother and I hit our teens...it was perfect.  It just was not the same as Christmas at my aunt's house.  Every room was completely transformed into a winter wonderland.  Beds had new coverings...sometimes new curtains too.  Bathrooms had new towel sets and new pictures decked out in holiday frames.  I mean everywhere I turned the holiday was displayed.  It isn't just her house it is her entire person.  She carries Christmas cheer in her pockets and doles it out whenever needed.  She knows I love the holidays and I love to have my house decked out...I mean I have 4 different Christmas trees.  Since I was diagnosed with cancer and have been having chemo on a very regular basis...I am wiped out most of the time.  Last year she went to storage...dug out some of my Christmas boxes...brought them to my house and decorated my living room for me.  It was a half speed Christmas for me, but I appreciated that she did that for me.  Just seeing my decorations loving placed around the main living area lifted my spirits on the regular.  I need my spirits lifted more often than I would like to admit, and the sight of my "Charlie Brown Village...complete with tree" just does something special for me.
She is also the person I go to if I want permission to spend money on more holiday cheer.  One year I went to the "cattle barns"...a local flea market type place....and I found a 6 foot tinsel tree complete with light.  The man wanted $100, and at the time I just could not see spending that money.  It was an amazing tree...absolutely beautiful.  I went to visit my aunt later that day and we talked about the tree.  In a matter of minutes she had me convinced that the tree had to be mine.  We drove over the next morning...I offered the man $75 and left with the tree.  It was amazing...and every year when I take each branch out of the box and put it in place I am reminded of my Holiday mentor.  To banish bad cheer or the bah-humbug spirit that may take up residence in my cluttered subconscious...I remember my Maa...and I might even sing a verse or two of "Must be Santa."  For now that is all I need...my growing collection of holiday goodness..."Must be Santa"...a house nearby that is dripping with holiday cheer in every nook and cranny...and my Maa.  Thank you Maa for being all I need to make my spirit bright!

to the moon and back,
Sarah

I dare you to be in a foul holiday mood
while looking at this face!

Thankfulness...Day 115

Today I am thankful for the ability to switch focus.  
My aunt came over last night, because my precious was struggling with some assignments she had put off to the last possible moment.  I believe that sometimes God allows the Bug to flounder because I need help.  Maa came over and I had a chance to talk to her about m general disposition.  I am really struggling with my new chemo regime.  It is sort of demanding to have treatment every week, and as of my last treatment this particular drug didn't seem to be doing its job.  My brain seems to have turned into a hamster wheel of negativity.  The drugs aren't working...the drugs aren't working...THE DRUGS AREN'T WORKING!!!!!!!  I know that these thoughts are never going to bring anything good into my life, and they are ruining my outlook.  I have taken pride in the fact that no matter the situation I can find something positive.  Cancer has actually brought a clarity and a don't sweat the small stuff attitude that I truly appreciate.  However, I am creeping up on two years of this battle and I am starting to have trouble subjecting my body to the poisons necessary to kill the cancer...when it seems to in fact be killing cells I need instead (hair, nails, stomach lining, blood).  My red blood counts have been dropping steadily over the last few treatments and today I was completely beat.  My aunt's favorite thing to say to her children is "You can choose to be part of the problem...or part of the solution."  Of course I asked how exactly can I be part of a solution for a disease that I cannot control.  Her response really hit a nerve with me.  She said..."deciding to ignore the outcome of my treatments and dwell in the tiny miracles that occur around me everyday...is being part of the solution."  Finally someone put it in a way that I get...I can actually see the strength of dwelling in the present.  Now I just need to put the disastrously negative loop in my brain on pause.   So I thankful that I can switch focus and see the positive in most situations...I will still be working on stopping the negative loop while looking around me for the positive.
To the moon and back my friends,
Sarah
Thought for today:

Thankfulness...Day 98

Today I am thankful for weekends with the Maa.  She is so balanced....a great sounding board for me...especially as I teeter toward losing every little marble in my precious head.  We spent some good time visiting on Friday night about my situation and how I can do better about managing my guilt.  We finally decided when I start to get down on myself or feel that others are not as receptive as I might hope.  I will say to myself...whatever the situation...is this stress worth giving the cancer cells something to eat?  Maa firmly believes that stress, guilt and bad juju in general can give any illness the foothold it needs to take over some body's system.  In this situation the illness is cancer and the somebody is me.  So I just need to hold onto my thankfulness...and release any bad juju into the universe...allow myself to say...that is NOT about me.  
So today Maa and I spent the gorgeous afternoon setting up her Turkey Tom.  Of course because it was 2 of the three stooges working on this project...there were a few bumps before he was all set up.  Here is the photographic proof.

here we go...

I said...here we go....

What is going on with his head?

he tried to escape...silly bird

we found the stakes and helped him choose a permanent location

Now he even has some pumpkin friends.

Thankfulness...Day 67

O.K. So this week was hard for me.  It was my first full week of school and it kicked my booty!  I was asleep by 9:00 every night...sometimes I was asleep by 7:00.  It was also the first week where I realized I am an assistant...not a teacher.  However...I still have several things for which I am thankful.
Wednesday...Sloppy Joes


Thursday...Robin...it was parent's night at her school and I was one of the few parents who knew all about the changes to the AR program.  I realized that she really is very honest and up front with school info!


Friday...Miss Lorraine and hugs from Maa...I think Miss Lorraine will be willing to fill in any time my Mom isn't available to mother me.  


Today Maa brought something to my attention..and as I am realizing...knowing is half the battle.
Every time I lose my grip on this whole cancer process...I try to find something in my life I CAN control and blame my frustration on that.  The problem with this approach is that usually I cannot actually control the thing I think I can control AND I can't control cancer.  So I end up feeling lost and COMPLETELY out of control! 


So now I have a new approach...honesty...with myself above all else.  If I am tired...admit to myself that I am tired...it is not an admission of weakness...just an admission of the fact that I am not a superhero.  I am a human that has toxic chemicals pumped through her veins once a month and that might make me a little tired.  Maa also commented on the fact that even when I have a period of "down" time I always find a way to pull myself out of it and put a positive spin on whatever is bringing me down.  Thanks Maa...I needed that!  So I am thankful today for enlightenment.  I hope I can hold onto this for at least a few days!


Also, I think I will be posting a new activity I am working on for our classroom later this week.  I saw it on another blog "Musings of Me."  I want to ask her if I can post the revised activity here for teachers of younger children to use.  So stay tuned for that.  Have a great week!
Love and sunshine
Sarah