My aunt came over last night, because my precious was struggling with some assignments she had put off to the last possible moment. I believe that sometimes God allows the Bug to flounder because I need help. Maa came over and I had a chance to talk to her about m general disposition. I am really struggling with my new chemo regime. It is sort of demanding to have treatment every week, and as of my last treatment this particular drug didn't seem to be doing its job. My brain seems to have turned into a hamster wheel of negativity. The drugs aren't working...the drugs aren't working...THE DRUGS AREN'T WORKING!!!!!!! I know that these thoughts are never going to bring anything good into my life, and they are ruining my outlook. I have taken pride in the fact that no matter the situation I can find something positive. Cancer has actually brought a clarity and a don't sweat the small stuff attitude that I truly appreciate. However, I am creeping up on two years of this battle and I am starting to have trouble subjecting my body to the poisons necessary to kill the cancer...when it seems to in fact be killing cells I need instead (hair, nails, stomach lining, blood). My red blood counts have been dropping steadily over the last few treatments and today I was completely beat. My aunt's favorite thing to say to her children is "You can choose to be part of the problem...or part of the solution." Of course I asked how exactly can I be part of a solution for a disease that I cannot control. Her response really hit a nerve with me. She said..."deciding to ignore the outcome of my treatments and dwell in the tiny miracles that occur around me everyday...is being part of the solution." Finally someone put it in a way that I get...I can actually see the strength of dwelling in the present. Now I just need to put the disastrously negative loop in my brain on pause. So I thankful that I can switch focus and see the positive in most situations...I will still be working on stopping the negative loop while looking around me for the positive.
To the moon and back my friends,
Sarah
Thought for today:
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