Today I am thankful for the opportunity to fall apart. My healing process from my OUTPATIENT procedure is not moving as quickly as I would like. I know this sounds silly, but I feel like I am a failure at healing. I get a time frame for when I should feel back to my "normal" self. I know in my head that the frame is an estimate, but usually that time comes and goes and I still don't feel up to snuff. So as every extra day passes I become more and more judgmental of myself. Let me be clear...in my head I know this is so destructive and silly...somehow I can't get whatever other part of me needs to believe this on board. So I am over a week post op and I am staring down a new treatment on Friday...the blend of this cocktail was perfect to create a fantastic come apart.
My sweet daughter spends Wednesday nights with her Great Aunt Maa. It gives her a much needed break from the stress and drama of having a sick mommy, and it gives me the opportunity to be weak for one night. I don't have to worry about putting on the brave face and hiding my fear or worry for her. Trust me, I have gotten really good at being brave and hiding fear for her...for the most part... I don't even have to think about it anymore. It really isn't even bravery...it is just a big push for normalcy...business as usual home life. Every so often on a Wednesday night I get to fall apart...I get to be scared and actually voice some of those fears to my Mommy. It is cathartic and I ALWAYS feel better after I let some of it out. I'm a little like a pressure cooker...every so often I need to let something escape...or I might explode like the hard boiled egg my mom tried to microwave this morning (I mean seriously blasted to bits egg all over the inside of our microwave...heehee). So for a few moments this evening...I let it out...the fear...the stress..the worry...the sheer exhaustion of having no answers to some really heavy questions. I genuinely feel better. I think I might even try to put real clothes on tomorrow...then again pajama days are pretty great.
Another totally unrelated ray of sunshine. My daughter has discovered the joy to be had experiencing Monty Python. I am a moderately protective mother, so I browse for clips of The Holy Grail on YouTube. We watched the "French Taunting," and for now I think that should be enough...maybe the knight who guards the bridge...and of course the coconuts...etc. She laughed at the taunting...I mean who can keep a straight face while listening to men talk about "farting in our general direction" or "calling us silly english pig dogs." Well it need to be said that Maa's husband Gil introduced me to Monty Python when I was about 14 years old. I loved him and we shared a similar taste in silly slightly off beat movies and music (Pee Wee's Big Adventure, Monty Python, Harold and Maude...). So sweet daughter is @ Maa's house for her sleepover and she asked all innocent like..."Maa do you know about Monty Python?" My aunt said..."Yes sweetie...do YOU know about Monty Python?" So Robin shows her the video and they have a great conversation about how much Gil loved Monty Python...in all honesty several of the men in my family LOVE Monty Python. So now there is a new generation of the family loving the hilarity of the slightly offbeat. Thanks Gil!
Sorry for the wordy post...I had bunches to say. To recap...I am thankful for much needed come aparts and Monty Python! I will be linking to my Facebook everyday. I figure these can be for my 30 days of thankfulness in November that so many of my friends are doing...I'll just be a few days over the 30. Good night friends To the Moon and Back, Sarah
Videos of the day...everyone should see this..I dare you to not smile!
Well it looks like today will be another day I chalk up to really looking for my thankfulness. I am determined to find something...but right now I'm struggling a bit.
I had surgery last week...laproscopic surgery to look for any residual cancer cells. I knew before I left the hospital that my doc had found cells. I think I posted about that last week. Today I had the appointment to talk about what we are going to do about the cells she found. I love how everything turns into a "we." What are "we" going to do. Last time I checked I am the one with this ginormous pain in the ass disease, but still I get to hear everyone say "we." That sounds so bratty. Oh well, I think I have earned at least a little bit of bratty. So "we" decided to cease with the taxotere...since it is OBVIOUSLY not doing diddly to the cells left all up in my abdomen. "We" are going to try a new drug called Topotecan. I actually like saying the name, because I love Topo Chico and I hope this drug Topote-CAN get the cancer out of my body!
This new drug is given once a week for three weeks and then I get a week off. The infusion shouldn't take very long and I think I might try having my infusion in the morning and then head into work for the rest of the day. I haven't tried that yet and the only side effect listed for this drug is fatigue. So getting to sleep in on the day of my treatment might be nice. I left my appointment felling a bit fragile. I was glad to have my mother with me and I was even happier to be picking Robin up from school on our way home. I am blessed enough to work in the same building where Robin goes to school, so I arrived at school right as the staff meeting for my school was finishing up. That was the last straw. I lost it. Seeing all those people who are praying for me...all my friends...my extended work family...was too much. I broke down...pros of losing it at work. I got about 15 amazing hugs...you know the ones...the ones that last at least 30 seconds...where the other person is sincerely trying to absorb some of the pain you are feeling. I got 15 of those. And there it is. I knew if I started typing I would stumble upon my thankfulness. I am thankful for whole body hugs...I think they did absorb some of the sad. They absorbed enough of the sad for me to be almost normal by the time my sweet daughter was released from homework club. She is worried enough...I don't need to add to her worry by sobbing as she leaves school.
So now I face the coming weeks, armed with a new attack plan, and my support system in tact. Thanks for reading
