Thankfulness...Day 116

I've decided to make a change.  I'm not sure simply being thankful for something everyday is still bringing me the personal lift it did at the beginning.  Lately life has been landing some sucker punches and being thankful has been a bit out of reach.  So...I have decided to find the silver lining instead.  The silver lining acknowledges the clouds that are present and just puts a positive spin on them.  The presence of big beefy storm clouds in my life is a fact...but by golly I can stitch a pretty sparkly silver lining around each one.



That said...silver lining for today...my mother's heartfelt belly laugh at my puppy in the backyard.  The puppy is in the backyard because I have strep and a red blood count of 9...so I am too tired to get up every time she sees a squirrel outside to take her out.  However...getting to the place where I ignored he whimpers at the back door led to the need for a new comforter on my bed (silver lining there...I got to buy new bedding...WHEEEE!). So the pup is outside and she is frolicking around the yard chasing all the squirrels (not catching any, but making some valiant 180 degree leaps in her efforts).  Finally she realizes more squirrels come into the yard of they CAN'T see her.  So she hides behind her tree.  The Bug has a tree and Rosie (the pup) has a tree...I'm glad they don't have to bicker over the same tree.  The pup is a precious cocker spaniel and petite for her breed...so she hides nicely behind the tree.  My mom stepped outside to put out some water, and Rosie leaped out from behind her tree.  My mom died laughing.  I mean picture it complete with the HIYA...dog appears from nowhere..ready to pounce.  It really is funny.  Without strep and like 6 blood cells left...my pup would have been inside and no one would have that gem of a mental picture.  You're welcome.

Well, the Bug started her Christmas vacay officially today and she will be going to see a local production of Narnia tonight.  Things are peaceful at the house and I think in a little bit we will be decorating our tree.  I hope to put up our aluminum tree, and kitchen tree tomorrow...that will leave The Bug's feather tree and my ceramic tree hearth display.  If I haven't mentioned it before I like Christmas VERY much...and I like Christmas decorations even more.
Have a great weekend
To the moon and back,
Sarah
pics of the day

Thankfulness...Day 115

Today I am thankful for the ability to switch focus.  
My aunt came over last night, because my precious was struggling with some assignments she had put off to the last possible moment.  I believe that sometimes God allows the Bug to flounder because I need help.  Maa came over and I had a chance to talk to her about m general disposition.  I am really struggling with my new chemo regime.  It is sort of demanding to have treatment every week, and as of my last treatment this particular drug didn't seem to be doing its job.  My brain seems to have turned into a hamster wheel of negativity.  The drugs aren't working...the drugs aren't working...THE DRUGS AREN'T WORKING!!!!!!!  I know that these thoughts are never going to bring anything good into my life, and they are ruining my outlook.  I have taken pride in the fact that no matter the situation I can find something positive.  Cancer has actually brought a clarity and a don't sweat the small stuff attitude that I truly appreciate.  However, I am creeping up on two years of this battle and I am starting to have trouble subjecting my body to the poisons necessary to kill the cancer...when it seems to in fact be killing cells I need instead (hair, nails, stomach lining, blood).  My red blood counts have been dropping steadily over the last few treatments and today I was completely beat.  My aunt's favorite thing to say to her children is "You can choose to be part of the problem...or part of the solution."  Of course I asked how exactly can I be part of a solution for a disease that I cannot control.  Her response really hit a nerve with me.  She said..."deciding to ignore the outcome of my treatments and dwell in the tiny miracles that occur around me everyday...is being part of the solution."  Finally someone put it in a way that I get...I can actually see the strength of dwelling in the present.  Now I just need to put the disastrously negative loop in my brain on pause.   So I thankful that I can switch focus and see the positive in most situations...I will still be working on stopping the negative loop while looking around me for the positive.
To the moon and back my friends,
Sarah
Thought for today:

Gingerbread Fun

Yesterday I woke up feeling pretty awesome...not even awesome for one day post chemo...just plain awesome.  The Bug and Mimi were going to decorate gingerbread houses and I really didn't think I would feel up to it, but guess what....I did.  I was dressed and ready to go when Mimi got home from jazzercise.  I think she was a little surprised to see me...ready to go anywhere.  Like I said, yesterday was a great day.  It was the Bug's birthday and I just decided it needed to be a good day.  I don't want her youth to be speckled with good memories amid tons of memories of things her mom missed because the chemo made her feel sick.  I don't want my disease to define her teen years.  The fact that it seems to be defining my thirties is such a bummer.  So off we went to decorate gingerbread goodness. 

I should have known how this would pan out.  I got really into decorating my house, and the Bug was over it after about 25 minutes.  It was fun to watch her stream of consciousness decorating.  Her house is dotted with large white gumdrops.  Her backstory (there is always a backstory) is that an old geezer lives in the house and the children of the neighborhood like to give him a hard time.  So they throw large snowballs at his roof.  So her house has at least 4 large white gumdrops stuck in strange places.  She has a tree in the front with a candy cane resting against it.  Mini houses need candy cane love too.  After she finished her house and left my mom and I at a table blissfully decorating our houses...she made friends with a little girl who was there to help clean up after we finished.  They talked about dance...the little girl had been in a local performance of the Nutcracker...the Bug likes watching other people dance.  
At the end of this experience...I was the one who had to be hurried along...pushed into being finished...cajoled out of the building.  So I think a merry time was had by all...even if we only had an hour to complete our gingerbread masterpieces!
to the moon and back,
Sarah 


Pics of the day

Thankfulness...Day 114

Today I am thankful for quiet mornings with my puppy, when I have plenty of time to enjoy my coffee and just be for a minute.  So much about this season is hustle and bustle.  Hurry up...get here...go there...buy this...pay for that! This morning not a single one of those things are on my mind.  I have gingerbread latte creamer and mug that warms my hands.  I am sitting in my corner of my most comfortable sofa...listening to my dad get ready for church and my mom measure walls, while she stresses about how the Bug's birthday furniture will fit in her room.  Today I refuse to stress about any of that.  The Bug picked out the bed and other furniture she wants to have and somehow it WILL fit.  That is all I need to know.  We will figure out exactly how it will fit once it is here.  One thing I have learned over the last year or so...there is no point stressing over what I can't control.  SO there you have it.  I am enjoying the calm of the morning...and I am thankful that today I opened my eyes, and I have another day above ground!
Enjoy the day friends!
To the Moon and Back,
Sarah
Thought of the day:

Thankfulness...Day 113

13 reasons I am Thankful to be a Mom!
1. I get to think back and remember all the little things that made me laugh..."Hey tou wanna pight!"  The cross eyed Tigger pic...my baby running around naked because she had diaper rash...when she discovered about 5 months ago that contrary to the facts as shown in the movie SHREK...geese do not have teeth.


2. Watching my most precious project ever grow into such a lovely young lady...sure she stares daggers at me sometimes, but on most days she loves her Mamma!


3. Realizing that I am raising a child that sees the good in all people.  She befriends children that may not have many friends...because they like the same things she likes and she doesn't care what other people think. 


4. Tucking someone in at night...knowing that someday that will stop breaks my heart but for now I still get to give kisses...hugs...and make sure she has just the right sleep friend before bed.


5.  Watching this little person...bloom in a direction I never would have imagined.  She is definitely her own person and she will be that person and march to that drum even if NOONE around her hears the same beat.  This will serve her well when it comes to peer pressure.  "Why in the world would I do drugs...drugs are stupid!"


6. Trying...with minimal success...to explain that she did not in fact have a tumor in her breast!  I promise sweetie they are called breast buds and all girls get them.  Her answer: "OHHHH NOOOOO I only have one...I am going to be lopsided!!!!!"


7. Knowing that even though I have to have chemo and feel crummy.  Even though the chemo has taken my hair AGAIN!  My daughter is so full of love that she tells me..."Oh mom it's OK to be bald.  I would much rather have a bald mom then a dead mom."  Thanks for that sweetie.


8. Being hopeful enough to enroll her in dance, gymnastics, soccer and theater so that she can find her strengths.   Only to find out she doesn't need dance because she already knows how to dance, watching her pick flowers in midfield while she BooBoo wonders why she isn't following the soccer ball,  and then finally finding that drama is where she shines.


9. Being the mom to someone who can bring home a homework assignment about simple and compound interest and complete it on her own! Thank God she has a math brain...because I think maybe she has surpassed my math abilities.


10. This may sound weird but I am thankful to watch her struggle...but then find her way.  A few weeks ago her pet Budgie died.  I heard her say to my mom "He was really mean to me, so I didn't think I would miss him. But now I have all this caring and nurturing to give and nowhere to put it."  So we buried the bird, and planted flowers, so that she can tend and nurture the flowers.


11. I get to see her goals in life develop.  As a toddler she wanted to be a ballerina (difficult when you feel that you need no dance instruction).  As a young child a veterinarian.  As a preteen a wild animal vet. Today...an animal trainer...where you ask...well the circus of course!


12. I get to be the one to teach her about forgiveness...and how to handle a bully.  We are really working on turning the other cheek...or even better turning the bullying into something positive and then walking away.  Someone says "You're gay!"  You say "Well I wish everyone was as gay as me...being happy is a ton of fun!"  Really the puzzled look on their face will discourage them deciding to pick on you again...bullies don't like it when you make them think!


and finally...
13.  I have been here for every milestone...the first teeth...the first steps...the first black eye (she was a climber)...the first crush...even the first bra.  I wouldn't trade being the constant in her world for anything.  She knows I will always be here ready to pick her up and dust her off when she falls.  She knows I love her enough to weather the teen years...so she feels totally comfortable telling me she hates me, and that I treat her like dirt.  That's why today...I made chocolate pancakes in the shape of a 13...we have survived 13 years together as mother and daughter.  I look forward to the next 13...I love you Bug


Have a great day...we are off to decorate gingerbread houses!
to the moon and back!
Sarah


pictures for the day

had to light the candle on a burner...
my mom doesn't trust me with lighters

This was easier than I thought!

I tried to corral my mess!

That is a happy 13 year old face!

Thankfulness...Day 112

Today I am thankful for strength I didn't know still existed.  I had my first training/therapy session yesterday, and Barry worked on my balance and strengthening exercises.  I really thought after at least 50 squats and the same number of lunges I would be VEEERRRYY sore this morning.  However, I woke up fresh as a daisy and without even one sore muscle.  So today I am thankful that some of my muscles are still there...they are just hibernating.  Have a great evening!
To the Moon and Back,
Sarah

Thankfulness...Day 111

Today I am thankful for the way life works. 
The Moncrief center here in town started a survivorship facility, but you have to be out of treatment to use any of their services.  With the information I got from Dr. Cloven...it is looking like I might never get to visit that facility.  I might get small windows of time without chemo, but I will probably never have much time out of treatment.  I have issues that have been caused by chemo.  I have neuropathy, muscle pain, bone pain, fatigue...blah, blah, blah.  The Moncrief canter is set up to help people with all these issues, so it felt like a cruel joke that I would never get help with these issues.  
My mom has been seeing a trainer for a couple of months to help her strengthen her back after an injury.  On Monday I had a bit of a come apart, and was unable to make myself do much of anything all day.  My mom came home from her time at the trainer with information about oncology rehabilitation.  There are two therapists there who have taken special courses to help with the lasting effects brought on by chemo.  It felt wonderful to talk to people about all the little things that make life harder, and have them tell me they could make it better.  
So today I had my first appointment.  I struggled all day...my stomach was not my friend today, but I knew all day that I got to visit with Tony and Barry about what they were going to do to make everything better.  First we met as a group and talked about my journey on the road called ovarian cancer so far.  They let me know that the main goal is for me to be comfortable...I can work in the main room...I can work in a private room...all the massage type things will be in the massage room (interesting right).   After spilling my guts Tony (the massage therapist) decided to map my lymphatic system.  First he asked what I knew about my lymphatic system...to which I said...UMMMM...it is made up of lymph nodes and they carry....ummmmm....stuff around....ummmmm.  He kind of laughed, but was kind enough to tell me that I was obscurely right. Even though I totally fibbed my way through that answer...he still let me lay down on his heated table and he used his super warm hands to see if I had any blockages in my lymphatic system.  Guess what...I don't! 
Barry(the physical therapist) had a family emergency so i didn't get to meet with him.  I do at least know that he will be helping me regain some of my strength.  I made appointments for every Monday and Thursday for the foreseeable future.  I just think God works is such weird ways sometimes.  Without my mom injuring her back...she never would have walked into D Wellness.  Without my come apart over hand pain...and everything else cancer seems to be taking from me.  I never would have gotten the information about these people...I would ever have started on the path to regaining some of the things I thought I had lost forever.  I know this is just the beginning...but if you can't be positive at the beginning when can you be positive?
I hope everyone is having a great day...I know I am!
to the moon and back
Sarah 
pic of the day