Today I am thankful for homemade Jell-O...new chemo with no reaction...family friends that help out with my little princess (thanks Peg)...and reconnecting with old friends via Facebook chat. I made it through chemo and so far I'm only dealing with a slightly queasy stomach. I met an amazing woman next to me in the infusion room. She has breast cancer and is finishing up her chemo today...next week she starts a 33 treatment regime of radiation. It was nice to talk with her. I also picked up a new hat...it looks like the harvest colored candy corn. This treatment could leave me with a lovely cue ball head again...so I figured I should have new bald head coverings. I let my lovebug know my hair might fall out and she restated her original feeling that having a bald mom is weird but better than not having a mom at all (actually she said better than a dead mom). Other than that she wants to be left totally out of the whole cancer chemo loop. I understand she is in the business of growing up and finding her own person and way of doing things. Taking too much time out to be stressed and worried about mom's health makes all the other changes and decisions she has to make too hard. So for now she gets to have normalcy...well as normal as things ever are in this house. I have more visitors coming this weekend...but I need to save that for another thankful post...have a great weekend my friends! to the moon and back! Sarah
Today I am thankful for guests in my home. I don't care if they are announced or unannounced guests...I love when people come and visit. Today the other teacher's assistant in my classroom came over after work. She is a breast cancer survivor and she is also very similar to my Mom. It is great to have her around to pull me up by my bootstraps when I am not quite strong enough to do it on my own. Can you guys keep a secret...she is an amazing, sweet, loving lady. SHHHHHH....don't tell anybody. She has worked hard to get many in the world to believe that she is a total hard ass...but I know the truth. She always has a kind word for me at the exact time that I need it. She says she feels lucky to have me in the classroom with her. She also says she can't tell when I feel bad after a treatment. It's nice to hear those things, especially when I feel I don't cover my icky feelings very well. Plus she has the perfect Mom voice to keep me in line if my biological Mommy happens to be out of town. So there you have it...I have new chemo tomorrow...but today I am thankful for a visit from just the right friend. Thanks to the moon and back! Sarah
Today I am thankful for the opportunity to fall apart. My healing process from my OUTPATIENT procedure is not moving as quickly as I would like. I know this sounds silly, but I feel like I am a failure at healing. I get a time frame for when I should feel back to my "normal" self. I know in my head that the frame is an estimate, but usually that time comes and goes and I still don't feel up to snuff. So as every extra day passes I become more and more judgmental of myself. Let me be clear...in my head I know this is so destructive and silly...somehow I can't get whatever other part of me needs to believe this on board. So I am over a week post op and I am staring down a new treatment on Friday...the blend of this cocktail was perfect to create a fantastic come apart.
My sweet daughter spends Wednesday nights with her Great Aunt Maa. It gives her a much needed break from the stress and drama of having a sick mommy, and it gives me the opportunity to be weak for one night. I don't have to worry about putting on the brave face and hiding my fear or worry for her. Trust me, I have gotten really good at being brave and hiding fear for her...for the most part... I don't even have to think about it anymore. It really isn't even bravery...it is just a big push for normalcy...business as usual home life. Every so often on a Wednesday night I get to fall apart...I get to be scared and actually voice some of those fears to my Mommy. It is cathartic and I ALWAYS feel better after I let some of it out. I'm a little like a pressure cooker...every so often I need to let something escape...or I might explode like the hard boiled egg my mom tried to microwave this morning (I mean seriously blasted to bits egg all over the inside of our microwave...heehee). So for a few moments this evening...I let it out...the fear...the stress..the worry...the sheer exhaustion of having no answers to some really heavy questions. I genuinely feel better. I think I might even try to put real clothes on tomorrow...then again pajama days are pretty great.
Another totally unrelated ray of sunshine. My daughter has discovered the joy to be had experiencing Monty Python. I am a moderately protective mother, so I browse for clips of The Holy Grail on YouTube. We watched the "French Taunting," and for now I think that should be enough...maybe the knight who guards the bridge...and of course the coconuts...etc. She laughed at the taunting...I mean who can keep a straight face while listening to men talk about "farting in our general direction" or "calling us silly english pig dogs." Well it need to be said that Maa's husband Gil introduced me to Monty Python when I was about 14 years old. I loved him and we shared a similar taste in silly slightly off beat movies and music (Pee Wee's Big Adventure, Monty Python, Harold and Maude...). So sweet daughter is @ Maa's house for her sleepover and she asked all innocent like..."Maa do you know about Monty Python?" My aunt said..."Yes sweetie...do YOU know about Monty Python?" So Robin shows her the video and they have a great conversation about how much Gil loved Monty Python...in all honesty several of the men in my family LOVE Monty Python. So now there is a new generation of the family loving the hilarity of the slightly offbeat. Thanks Gil!
Sorry for the wordy post...I had bunches to say. To recap...I am thankful for much needed come aparts and Monty Python! I will be linking to my Facebook everyday. I figure these can be for my 30 days of thankfulness in November that so many of my friends are doing...I'll just be a few days over the 30. Good night friends To the Moon and Back, Sarah
Videos of the day...everyone should see this..I dare you to not smile!
Well it looks like today will be another day I chalk up to really looking for my thankfulness. I am determined to find something...but right now I'm struggling a bit.
I had surgery last week...laproscopic surgery to look for any residual cancer cells. I knew before I left the hospital that my doc had found cells. I think I posted about that last week. Today I had the appointment to talk about what we are going to do about the cells she found. I love how everything turns into a "we." What are "we" going to do. Last time I checked I am the one with this ginormous pain in the ass disease, but still I get to hear everyone say "we." That sounds so bratty. Oh well, I think I have earned at least a little bit of bratty. So "we" decided to cease with the taxotere...since it is OBVIOUSLY not doing diddly to the cells left all up in my abdomen. "We" are going to try a new drug called Topotecan. I actually like saying the name, because I love Topo Chico and I hope this drug Topote-CAN get the cancer out of my body!
This new drug is given once a week for three weeks and then I get a week off. The infusion shouldn't take very long and I think I might try having my infusion in the morning and then head into work for the rest of the day. I haven't tried that yet and the only side effect listed for this drug is fatigue. So getting to sleep in on the day of my treatment might be nice. I left my appointment felling a bit fragile. I was glad to have my mother with me and I was even happier to be picking Robin up from school on our way home. I am blessed enough to work in the same building where Robin goes to school, so I arrived at school right as the staff meeting for my school was finishing up. That was the last straw. I lost it. Seeing all those people who are praying for me...all my friends...my extended work family...was too much. I broke down...pros of losing it at work. I got about 15 amazing hugs...you know the ones...the ones that last at least 30 seconds...where the other person is sincerely trying to absorb some of the pain you are feeling. I got 15 of those. And there it is. I knew if I started typing I would stumble upon my thankfulness. I am thankful for whole body hugs...I think they did absorb some of the sad. They absorbed enough of the sad for me to be almost normal by the time my sweet daughter was released from homework club. She is worried enough...I don't need to add to her worry by sobbing as she leaves school.
So now I face the coming weeks, armed with a new attack plan, and my support system in tact. Thanks for reading
Hello all, Well I had my procedure on Wednesday, and I spent most of yesterday dozing on and off. I did leave the house once to meet with an AFLAC representative about short term disability eligibility. They have one program that would work for me, but I won't be eligible until January 2013. Hopefully I will be in good health by then and I won't need the benefit, but I enrolled anyway, because you never know. I am thankful that my doctor found some microscopic cancer cells during my surgery. It feels weird to be GLAD that she found cancer, but now I have something to fight. Instead of waiting around and continuing a treatment that isn't really working...I get to switch up my treatment options and go back to killing the lame cancer cells. I meet with my doc on Tuesday, so I will have more info then, For now I am thankful to be back on an active road, and I am also thankful to have pain meds to help me stay comfortable. Well...it is time for another nap... to the moon and back Sarah
Today I am thankful for everyone at work. Sometimes I feel blue...I think that is to be expected with chemo...doctor appointments...crazy hair...yucky stomach...and everything else...but today is not one of those days. I have a procedure scheduled for tomorrow. My doctor is going to put some cameras into my abdomen and look around. She is unnerved by my rising CA-125 and wants to get an idea of what might be going on that wouldn't show up on a CT or PET scan. Not only will she be looking around with cameras (yes...cameras...plural...3 to be exact)...she will be taking biopsies and doing a wash of my belly (The inside...not the outside). I have been sort of anxiety ridden for a couple of weeks. I tried not to think about it, and just push it off to the side...nothing I can do about any of this so why worry...right?!? I wasn't very successful...I had some really great times with Robin...but my stomach has been gurgly since last week. Today I worked half a day...and then got to go home and start a colon cleanse (You all wish you were me...right...I know it's hard not to be jealous.) I am lucky enough to work in a very small school so we are more like family then work people. I got so many hugs and well wishes today. I got prayer promises and a surprise Dr. Pepper. The two ladies who work directly with me in our classroom brought me cards...candy...a Mary Engelbreit calendar...and a rainbow picture frame. I mean in four hours I got enough warm fuzzies to fill my bucket to the overflow point. So thanks ladies...I am so lucky to have all of you behind me rooting me on in this battle. This is just another layover on the way to remission. I have fully surrendered control to God...He made a plan for me the day was born...I may not always understand it, but it can't be a mistake. So keep the prayers coming and I will post after all this is over. to the moon and back! Sarah
Quote of the day...actually rainbow quotes of the day...just to make me blissfully happy!
Ummmm....I think it might say something about me...that I have been thankful for my therapist so many times since June. I don't care...today I am thankful for the good doctor...again. I spent most of today overflowing with mad. I mean I really couldn't get a handle on it...I was just mad...very, very, very mad. I knew I had an appointment today after I did my blood work...but I really didn't want to go. I thought I was too mad. Then I realized I needed to keep that appointment...I needed to see my doctor, and tell him I was mad. So I went...I let all the mad spill out...all over the floor...at one point I actually heard my voice echo in the room. I feel so lost when I am so filled with mad...I hate being mad...it feels so pointless...I lecture my mom on letting go of anger...it gets you nowhere and fast. But I can't do it for myself...once I get to that mad place I can't let it go...I just stew...look at my feet...try not to let my mad show...but I also suck at being fake and masking my real emotions. Well the doctor gave me some ways to make this better, but I think for now I am content with getting rid of some of the mad. I'm not choking on the anger anymore. I look at that as a small victory. to the moon and back my friends Sarah
