Friday, October 28, 2011

Thankfulness...Day 86

Hello all,
Well I had my procedure on Wednesday, and I spent most of yesterday dozing on and off.  I did leave the house once to meet with an AFLAC representative about short term disability eligibility.  They have one program that would work for me, but I won't be eligible until January 2013.  Hopefully I will be in good health by then and I won't need the benefit, but I enrolled anyway, because you never know.  
I am thankful that my doctor found some microscopic cancer cells during my surgery.  It feels weird to be GLAD that she found cancer, but now I have something to fight.  Instead of waiting around and continuing a treatment that isn't really working...I get to switch up my treatment options and go back to killing the lame cancer cells.  I meet with my doc on Tuesday, so I will have more info then,  For now I am thankful to be back on an active road, and I am also thankful to have pain meds to help me stay comfortable. is time for another nap...
to the moon and back

quote of the day

Tuesday, October 25, 2011

Thankfulness...Day 85

Today I am thankful for everyone at work.  Sometimes I feel blue...I think that is to be expected with appointments...crazy hair...yucky stomach...and everything else...but today is not one of those days.  I have a procedure scheduled for tomorrow.  My doctor is going to put some cameras into my abdomen and look around.  She is unnerved by my rising CA-125 and wants to get an idea of what might be going on that wouldn't show up on a CT or PET scan.  Not only will she be looking around with cameras (yes...cameras...plural...3 to be exact)...she will be taking biopsies and doing a wash of my belly (The inside...not the outside).  I have been sort of anxiety ridden for a couple of weeks.  I tried not to think about it, and just push it off to the side...nothing I can do about any of this so why worry...right?!?  I wasn't very successful...I had some really great times with Robin...but my stomach has been gurgly since last week.  Today I worked half a day...and then got to go home and start a colon cleanse (You all wish you were me...right...I know it's hard not to be jealous.)  I am lucky enough to work in a very small school so we are more like family then work people.  I got so many hugs and well wishes today.  I got prayer promises and a surprise Dr. Pepper.  The two ladies who work directly with me in our classroom brought me cards...candy...a Mary Engelbreit calendar...and a rainbow picture frame.  I mean in four hours I got enough warm fuzzies to fill my bucket to the overflow point.  So thanks ladies...I am so lucky to have all of you behind me rooting me on in this battle.  This is just another layover on the way to remission.  I have fully surrendered control to God...He made a plan for me the day was born...I may not always understand it, but it can't be a mistake.  So keep the prayers coming and I will post after all this is over.
to the moon and back!

Quote of the day...actually rainbow quotes of the day...just to make me blissfully happy!

Thursday, October 20, 2011 84

Ummmm....I think it might say something about me...that I have been thankful for my therapist so many times since June.  I don't I am thankful for the good doctor...again.  I spent most of today overflowing with mad.  I mean I really couldn't get a handle on it...I was just mad...very, very, very mad.  I knew I had an appointment today after I did my blood work...but I really didn't want to go.  I thought I was too mad.  Then I realized I needed to keep that appointment...I needed to see my doctor, and tell him I was mad.  So I went...I let all the mad spill out...all over the one point I actually heard my voice echo in the room.  I feel so lost when I am so filled with mad...I hate being feels so pointless...I lecture my mom on letting go of gets you nowhere and fast.  But I can't do it for myself...once I get to that mad place I can't let it go...I just stew...look at my feet...try not to let my mad show...but I also suck at being fake and masking my real emotions.  Well the doctor gave me some ways to make this better, but I think for now I am content with getting rid of some of the mad.  I'm not choking on the anger anymore.  I look at that as a small victory.
to the moon and back my friends

Quote of the day

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

Thankfulness...Day 83

Today I am thankful for my puppy.  Actually something specific about my puppy.  I am thankful for the way that she pulls and pushes on a blanket to get it situated just so...then turns around at least 4 times and finally lays down.  When she starts the process I stop whatever I am doing and watch.  It is just soooo sweet.

That's all for today...thanks for reading
lots of love

Wednesday, October 12, 2011 82

today I am thankful for my therapist.  

he told me today that I am an amazing woman.  He told me that he loves how I view the world, and that even with a life threatening disease staring me in the face daily...I have not allowed it to invade my soul.  

I told him that I give him a great deal of credit in a huge shift in my outlook.  He is the one who called my attention to the fact that if someone asked about my story the only piece I shared was the cancer part.  He reminded me that I am so much more than some mutated cells.  Because of my therapist I have made a genuine effort to rediscover things that brought light into my heart.  Now the black cloud that normally settles over me one week post treatment isn't here.  I am truly happy.  So for that I am thankful.  

I will work on the ability to gracefully take a compliment.  Mostly I stare at my shoes and wish it would go away.  I am almost comfortable being who I am...and believing that who I am is pretty awesome.  I am NOT comfortable with anyone else commenting on the fact that they might think I am awesome.  Oh well...I can't fix everything all at once...being perfect would be so difficult...heehee

quote of the day

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

Thankfulness...Day 81

What a day....this was one of those days that come along every once in a while and I just bask in the glory of it for about a week after.  Robin and I both had a holiday yesterday and today.  Today I finally felt up to leaving the house.  We went to Hobby Lobby, Michael's, the mall (GASP!), and the grocery store.  
Once we got back home, Robin and I settled into our crafty groove and watched some quality television (Judy Moody and Bad Dog).  Robin made several multicolored spiders to add to our Halloween decor, 
and I started on her hand painted Toms.  I have one shoe finished, but I have not been able to convince her that the one shoe painted, one shoe plain look in totally in this season.  She is insisting on two painted shoes.  

I also worked on some of my fall themed wreaths.  I am having so much fun rerouting my teachery craftiness into basic crafty goodness.  I found this wreath on etsy and have made a halloween one, two fall ones, and once I get the right green yarn I will be starting on a christmas version.  
I also made some duct tape flower pens to add to a birthday gift that I dropped off this afternoon.  The pens didn't take long to make at all and they are soooooo cute!
In other mom made it home from Vegas in one piece...with some amazing stories.  What I wouldn't give to be a fly on the wall for one of the infamous "Sister trips."  As is the norm with our family the trip home from the airport took about 6 hours instead of 45 minutes, but Mimi was already to a pretty good place about the whole ordeal.   I love it when I don't have to be present when things fall apart, and I get to see the hilarity in the retelling of the experience.  
So Robin and I split the day between relaxing and being productive and now we are waiting for our baked potatoes. is back to business as usual...for now at least

Love to all

Quote of the day

Friday, October 7, 2011

Just a little update

Good Morning,

Because my CA-125 was up another 50 points from the last treatment I got a call from Dr. Cloven. She wants to schedule a laparoscopy in about 3 weeks (she wants to make sure I am completely recovered from treatment). It will be a small 3 incision, general anesthetic, outpatient procedure. I will need about a week to recuperate. She will put in a camera and try to find where the cancer cells are hiding. If she can't find anything she will take washings to look for microscopic cells. After that we will make a decision on what to do going forward. I am stressed about this, so I am not really noticing how icky I feel from the treatment. Nothing like the thought of yet another surgery to put things into perspective.
Please keep sending prayers and thoughts to the big Guy upstairs. I need all the good juju I can get to help me through each new step of this million step treatment process. The outcome is all that matters...I want to be here for a long time and if this is the next step to get 

me to that place...BRING IT ON!

Quotes for this part of the day!

Trying Like HELL to be thankful...Day 80 my ultra positive friends and family.  I need help. 
I had treatment yesterday, and I have gotten to  really good place about them.  I know I will feel crummy...I know it will pass and I will get back to myself and have a really good stretch before I have to feel crummy again.  
Now what I cannot seem to find a positive spin about...a way to see this through that rose colored glass is my CA-125.  Those not in the ovarian cancer know...this test is to measure the protein that ovarian cancer cells produce in my blood.  A normal woman (I know...I know...I have never been normal) should have a score around 35.  Pre-surgery mine was 18, surgery it was 2700...last October it was 338...July it was 150...yesterday it was 266.  I was told not to worry unless it doubled or something.  We haven't reached that double place yet.  I have had physical exams (super awesome and totally non invasive let me tell ya).  CT scans (at least 3 of these) and even a PET scan that left me radioactive for 5 hours.  All scans and exams are why in the good lord's name does this damn tumor marker keep going up?  

I am willing to admit this one number sends me into a tailspin when it doesn't head in the right direction.  I think it is because no matter what I do I can't do anything to help lower the number.  When my red blood count was low I could change some of the foods in my diet to bring it back up.  If the nausea from chemo gets to be too much I know that if I super hydrate i will get better.  With everything else waiting seemed to do the trick.  Now I am looking at the fact that I have 7 treatments left to go...and my number refuses to head in the correct direction.  No matter what I finish with treatment in April.  With this new trend in the CA125...I am already worrying what my number will look like by then.  In my mind this single agent approach isn't doing enough to the cancer.  There are little tiny microscopic cells hiding out...unreachable by the taxotere that I have pumped into my port once every four weeks. 

So if anyone out in cyberspace has any suggestions for how I can spin this into a glass half full scenario...that doesn't include "look how far you've come"...I would really appreciate it. 

Love to all

quote of the day

Tuesday, October 4, 2011

Thankfulness...Day 79

Today I am thankful for little hands...tiny voices and learning what the kiddos in my class want to be when they grow up!  The job titles ran from truck doctor (for babies) big...that's right when he grows up he want to be big.  So literal...I love it.  I have treatment on I am soaking up all the love these little loveys can give me.  Have a great day!
Love to all,

Quote of the day...

Saturday, October 1, 2011

Lungs...who needs lungs

Robin and I had planned to go to Austin this weekend.  They have the newest installment of "Cows on Parade" on display until October 16th.  I have chemo on the 8th so this was the last weekend I would feel up to going.  

Well last week I spent some quality time at my house instead of working because I had bronchitis.  
I thought I was on my way to feeling better, but I couldn't shake the cough, so on Thursday I got a nebulizer and some albuterol.  I did three breathing treatments throughout the night between Thursday and Friday, and my lungs felt better...even if my legs did feel a bit like jell-o.  
I was still planning my trip and writing out lists for what I would need to pack.  By Friday afternoon I was a big pile of grouchy and so tired I could barely keep my eyes open.  I had to make a decision and I REALLY didn't want to make it.  Then Robin piped up from the backseat on the way home from school.  

"Mom, we can always see the cows online.  I really wanted to see them, but I care WAYYYYY more about your health.  You don't sound so good when you don't do that breathing I think we should stay home so you can get really well."
Sometimes I forget that I am the parent and it feels like she is parenting me.  I know every time I have a sniffle she gets worried.  She has told me about her anxiety about me ever having to go back to the hospital.  I try not to let her see how bad I feel.  I try to be strong for her, but I guess she is more tuned in than I think.  I think she sees through it when I put up a strong front.  We have been together too long for me to fool her.  People say that they don't know how i fight this disease and keep such a positive attitude most of the time...the word hero has even been tossed out a couple of times.  I'm not a hero!  I am just a mom trying like hell to stick around for the real hero.  Robin has been dealt a pretty crappy parent deck.  One that doesn't come around very often...and one that ended up with stage IV cancer.  Even with that she is loving...compassionate...wise beyond her 12 years...and strong beyond my 35 years.  She has so much on her plate and she deals with it so gracefully on most days.  I really need to remember that little voice telling me that my health is more important than a trip to Austin, the next time preteen hormones rear their ugly head.  
So I am spending the weekend at home...taking breathing treatments every 5 hours, watching movies with Robin, playing on and taking and naps in between.  All in all I think it is a pretty great way to spend a weekend.  Thanks Robin
love to all

Quote of the Day...for Miss Robin