Trying Like HELL to be thankful...Day 80

Help...help...all my ultra positive friends and family.  I need help. 

I had treatment yesterday, and I have gotten to  really good place about them.  I know I will feel crummy...I know it will pass and I will get back to myself and have a really good stretch before I have to feel crummy again.  
Now what I cannot seem to find a positive spin about...a way to see this through that rose colored glass is my CA-125.  Those not in the ovarian cancer know...this test is to measure the protein that ovarian cancer cells produce in my blood.  A normal woman (I know...I know...I have never been normal) should have a score around 35.  Pre-surgery mine was 18,000...post surgery it was 2700...last October it was 338...July it was 150...yesterday it was 266.  I was told not to worry unless it doubled or something.  We haven't reached that double place yet.  I have had physical exams (super awesome and totally non invasive let me tell ya).  CT scans (at least 3 of these) and even a PET scan that left me radioactive for 5 hours.  All scans and exams are clear...so why in the good lord's name does this damn tumor marker keep going up?  

I am willing to admit this one number sends me into a tailspin when it doesn't head in the right direction.  I think it is because no matter what I do I can't do anything to help lower the number.  When my red blood count was low I could change some of the foods in my diet to bring it back up.  If the nausea from chemo gets to be too much I know that if I super hydrate i will get better.  With everything else waiting seemed to do the trick.  Now I am looking at the fact that I have 7 treatments left to go...and my number refuses to head in the correct direction.  No matter what I finish with treatment in April.  With this new trend in the CA125...I am already worrying what my number will look like by then.  In my mind this single agent approach isn't doing enough to the cancer.  There are little tiny microscopic cells hiding out...unreachable by the taxotere that I have pumped into my port once every four weeks. 

So if anyone out in cyberspace has any suggestions for how I can spin this into a glass half full scenario...that doesn't include "look how far you've come"...I would really appreciate it. 




Love to all
Sarah






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