Tuesday, August 2, 2011

thankfulness...Day 52

Today I am thankful for my continued ability to breathe in and out.  I spent a couple of hours today in silence with nothing to distract me.  I am driven by distraction...meaning...I look for things to distract my brain from what I have swirling around inside.  I had a PET scan today to check for microscopic cancer cells.  For an hour before the test I had to sit in a dimly lit room and think.  There was a sign that said NO CELL PHONE use of any kind...and get this...NO reading.  I get the cell phone..I mean it could mess up the scanners or whatever...but NO READING...HUH?!?  It turned out to be a blessing...I had time to talk with God.  I am really working on turning things over...thy will be done and all that jazz.  So my prayers went something like...whatever you need this scan to show (or not show)...I'm ready.  I have a strong support system, and whatever comes of this they will be here for me.  I have to wait 48 hours to get the results of the scan...but surprisingly I am having very little anxiety about it.  It's like a switch clicked off in my brain once the scan was complete and I just haven't really thought about the outcome...no matter which way it goes.  Robin and I found humor in the fact that, I was radioactive for 5 hours today.  I did come home and check in a dark bathroom to see if I was glowing...I wasn't...sort of a let down for both of us.  One thing I have realized over the course of this thankfulness excercise is...some of the changes I have to make will hurt me...some of the changes that are being made around me because of my illness will hurt me...I can choose to wallow in that pain or get up and enjoy my time with family.  It is getting easier and easier to let go of what hurts and rejoice in the time I have been given with the people I love.  Sorry to be so sappy...comes with 2 hours of introspection, I guess
Good Night...friends

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