Wednesday, August 3, 2011

thankfulness...Day 53

Today I am thankful for radioactive dye and PET scan machines...sort of.  I had to lie still for 30 minutes and sit still (not reading...I still don't get that part) for an hour before the test.  Like I said yesterday forced stillness gives a person a great opportunity to think.  Ya know what else makes you think?  Psychotherapy!  I am also thankful for my therapist.  He gives me great information and helps me understand how to process all the emotions attached to my diagnosis, treatment and cancer process in general.  But I digress...

Today the doctor's office called to let me know that the scan showed no sign of recurrence or metastatic disease.  I should be bouncing off the walls...I should be so happy I can't keep it all inside.  So why am I feeling so apathetic about this.  I would never hope to have a recurrence!  I am truly thankful for every extra day I have to live this life!  I just wanted an answer for the turtle slow decrease in my CA125.  I wanted a doctor to point at a cloudy spot (or whatever cancer looks like on a PET scan) and say...THERE it we can change your meds.  Now we can change your we can do whatever necessary to eradicate this hellish disease and get you on your way to a full recovery.  No such luck...I get to continue poisoning my body...missing days of a job I love...missing out on doing the day to day things that come with teaching...watching someone else teach in my classroom while I assist in a different room.  My CA125 may never stabilize...I might get to continue with chemo for goodness knows how long.  

For the most part I roll with the punches...I try to stay on the positive side of the street...I try to direct all my anger and frustration at the tiny remaining cancer cells floating around somewhere in my body (they must be there somewhere, right).   However, this is getting ridiculous...3 CT scans (all clear)...3 lovely lady doctor exams (also clear)...1 PET scan (also clear).  I don't want to quit and have a recurrence 3 weeks from now...but where exactly are these sneaky little cancer monsters hiding?

Oh yeah...this is supposed to be my thankfulness post.  Today I am thankful for clear PET scans...heart to hearts with my sweet Robin...her loving open nature and willingness to talk to me about therapist, and his ability to define and regulate my confusing emotions...finally my Aunt Maa, and her  direct, no nonsense approach to my disease and all that goes along with it!

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